i wish...

I'm not perfect. I mess up alot. I've done things that not only am I NOT proud of, but I know better! I was set free from my past, but then I made a series of poor choices and now I'm walking in past behaviors again.

I know better.

So why am I still doing it? I ask myself the very same question. It has been an even bigger battle to become free the second time around. I'm not there yet...not even close. But I am trying very hard and continue to seek God for help.

I feel like I'm living a double life, because I tell everyone I'm doing great...walking in freedom, blah blah, etc, etc....It is simply not the truth. The truth makes me feel like a rotten person. The truth is that I'm struggling with many of the things I struggled with before Mercy.

It didn't happen all at once. It never does. It was a "slow fade," just like Casting Crowns' song.

I thought about re-applying to Mercy, but I don't think they'd take me a second time. I already graduated, shared my testimony, and so forth. It just wouldn't make any sense. I wish there was a short, intensive course (wouldn't that be nice?)....because I know I already have and use all the tools....but something isn't working right.

What I REALLY wish is that I'd gone into a transitional living situation after Mercy instead of returning home (more about that in my next blog).

I looked into some of the other programs too, but I haven't applied to any of them.

WHY?

Because I have so much SHAME about how bad things have become again, that I am too embarrassed to ask for help this time.
(this is a huge reason why this blog is anonymous. I have to tell someone, to let this out, but I am too embarrassed to even reveal who I am.)

Because part of me believes God won't forgive me...AGAIN. Even though I "know" that God will never stop loving me, and that He forgives us again and again, part of me still believes that he won't this time because I knew I was sinning and did it anyway.

Because I should know better!!

Heavenly Father,
I messed up...AGAIN. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven, but I ask your forgiveness anyway. I want to live a life that is pleasing to You, and I haven't done a very good job of that lately. Help me to think before I act, and to seek You first in all circumstances. The meaning of GRACE is receiving something we do not deserve. I do NOT deserve another chance at all.....but I would be very thankful for one anyway.