Wow, 2 days in a row I've heard a message that talks about light dispelling the darkness.
See, when a room is completely dark, you stumble around, walk slowly, etc. It's uncomfortable there. But over time, your eyes will adjust and you can see a little (like getting used to living in sin). But turn on a flashlight and you will be able to see things you couldn't see before.
That's how God's light works in our lives. When His light is turned on in us, we see things about ourselves that we couldn't "see" before. Whether it is sin, an attitude or belief, or whatever, when we see the truth/light, we realize the lie that was in the darkness.
Let's say the power goes off. Would you turn on a flashlight, then put it under the couch? Of course not! The same goes for when you have God's light living in you, and the Bible talks about not hiding that light (or denying that it is there).
There was so much more to those messages, but I just wanted to higlight a couple of the points that really spoke to me....loudly.
God,
Challenge me to let Your light dispell the darkness in my life. Help me to not try to hide that light but instead let it fill my life completely so that no darkness remains.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
what does it look like to fully surrender?
So, I've been thinking about this all day, and we say over and over things like, "God, I surrender all to you." But what does that look like?
It certainly doesn't mean throwing my hands up and saying, "Okay, I'm not doing anything anymore, it's all up to God!"....Athough that's what it would sound like....
I think it means not trying so hard to make things happen in my time, the way I want them to, but instead living responsibly and in a godly manner, and letting God know through prayer what my needs are (and wants, too). Not only that, but trusting that He knows my heartfelt desires and will carry them out (when the time is right)...
I think it is spending time with Him through the Word and in prayer, and not allowing myself to become so busy that I don't have time to do so.
I think it is doing what seems the most right in every situation, despite consequences, and trusting that things will turn out okay...even if they don't.
I think it is not doing what I want, but finding out what God wants and doing that.
I think it is allowing/giving God a chance to fill those places that I have tried to fill with the things of this world....food, bingeing and purging, self-harm, pride, drugs, lust, pornography, money, success, possessions, etc...
I think it is admitting to God that I have tried to fill myself with these things instead of Him.
Sometimes I get so impatient with God, because this or that isn't happening, or I can't see any tangible results of my walk with Him. Sometimes I want to be on the mountain all the time (like the "just-been-on-a-retreat/conference-and-I'm-so-pumped-up-for-God" feeling), and when I start going through the valleys I just lose all hope and want to give up. But life isn't a mountaintop experience.
Heavenly Father,
I have tried to fill my life with so many things to make me feel good. But none of them has worked. Doing things my way and in my own strength has only made me miserable and frustrated. I want to surrender my life, myself, to You. I ask that You fill me up so full of You that there is no room for the other things, not the other way around.
It certainly doesn't mean throwing my hands up and saying, "Okay, I'm not doing anything anymore, it's all up to God!"....Athough that's what it would sound like....
I think it means not trying so hard to make things happen in my time, the way I want them to, but instead living responsibly and in a godly manner, and letting God know through prayer what my needs are (and wants, too). Not only that, but trusting that He knows my heartfelt desires and will carry them out (when the time is right)...
I think it is spending time with Him through the Word and in prayer, and not allowing myself to become so busy that I don't have time to do so.
I think it is doing what seems the most right in every situation, despite consequences, and trusting that things will turn out okay...even if they don't.
I think it is not doing what I want, but finding out what God wants and doing that.
I think it is allowing/giving God a chance to fill those places that I have tried to fill with the things of this world....food, bingeing and purging, self-harm, pride, drugs, lust, pornography, money, success, possessions, etc...
I think it is admitting to God that I have tried to fill myself with these things instead of Him.
Sometimes I get so impatient with God, because this or that isn't happening, or I can't see any tangible results of my walk with Him. Sometimes I want to be on the mountain all the time (like the "just-been-on-a-retreat/conference-and-I'm-so-pumped-up-for-God" feeling), and when I start going through the valleys I just lose all hope and want to give up. But life isn't a mountaintop experience.
Heavenly Father,
I have tried to fill my life with so many things to make me feel good. But none of them has worked. Doing things my way and in my own strength has only made me miserable and frustrated. I want to surrender my life, myself, to You. I ask that You fill me up so full of You that there is no room for the other things, not the other way around.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
...a new set of choices...
I may have been making poor choices, but now I am CHOOSING to make different choices.
I choose life and blessings.
It starts NOW.
These are areas I am starting with. The rest will follow.
-more consistent time in the Word
-challenging ungodly beliefs/writing new godly beliefs
-finding a good accountability person
-accepting forgiveness/forgiving myself
I'm not expecting this to be easy. In fact it will probably be the most difficult thing I've done yet. But now the difference is that I WANT it for real this time, no compromises.
Father,
You know the difficult journey I am getting ready to embark on, and you know before I do the challenges and temptations I will face. Please help me by making the path clear and sending people along the way to encourage me and help me stay accountable. I have tried to do this on my own, in my own strength, and I failed miserably and became miserable. This time I am leaning completely on You. I may still struggle with my selfish ways, and when I do, please gently guide me back to You. I am counting on You, God, and I am placing my trust in You now.
I choose life and blessings.
It starts NOW.
These are areas I am starting with. The rest will follow.
-more consistent time in the Word
-challenging ungodly beliefs/writing new godly beliefs
-finding a good accountability person
-accepting forgiveness/forgiving myself
I'm not expecting this to be easy. In fact it will probably be the most difficult thing I've done yet. But now the difference is that I WANT it for real this time, no compromises.
Father,
You know the difficult journey I am getting ready to embark on, and you know before I do the challenges and temptations I will face. Please help me by making the path clear and sending people along the way to encourage me and help me stay accountable. I have tried to do this on my own, in my own strength, and I failed miserably and became miserable. This time I am leaning completely on You. I may still struggle with my selfish ways, and when I do, please gently guide me back to You. I am counting on You, God, and I am placing my trust in You now.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
...but I've always thought this way...
I saw my therapist today. I wish I could see a Christian counselor though, because although she respects my beliefs, she addresses my issues separately from spirituality instead of as a whole as it should be.
We talked about the eating issues a bit, and it was a pretty difficult and emotional session. She is having me read Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole. According to the book, there is a natural way to eat when you listen to your body, so that you can eat whatever (shockingly) that you want...you just have to really listen to your body, to know when you are satisfied, what food you are actually craving and if you are REALLY craving it or just wanting it because you see it.....and so on.
I am having a really difficult time processing the the book, as these concepts are just so foreign to me, to my beliefs and attitudes about food and the way I was raised with food. "What? No, you can't REALLY eat whatever you want...There are foods that are off limits or "bad," etc." But as I think these things I realize they are ungodly beliefs...it's just that to let them go is extremely difficult, as I've been thinking this way my whole life.
At Mercy, the only thing that was really addressed about food/weight was stopping the purging, which I did. But my attitudes and beliefs about food and my body weren't really looked at to the degree that they should have been. I think this is because there were many other issues I had going on that took precidence. So I continued eating the same way while there, and consequently gained back much weight. And now, I am again struggling with purging.
It's a complicated area, because there are so many things behind the food/weight/body issue, so I can't pinpoint one tiny area. It's a very broad subject, and now I know why there are entire treatment programs devoted specifically to eating disorders.
There are alot of other things that are causing me guilt/shame/anger/hurt/etc. about my life, too...Probably too many to list even. Alot of these things didn't get addressed at Mercy, because I did so much messing around and not being serious, and then the last couple months I really buckled down (after being talked to about dismissal) and did alot of work...but not as much as needed to be done. Things were "okay" when I graduated, but I was still not where I wanted to be emotionally and spiritually. I was very raw and still vulnerable.
When I returned home, it was basically an "expectation" that I was "all better," and so I had to try hard to be that way. But I again fell into the trap of doing things in my own strength, and soon my testimony became a lie. Ministry became more difficult, and I fell into a deep depression and ended up being hospitalized---which seemed to start the whole past cycle all over again.
Years ago I began to use the hospital as an escape from life, and I even began to actually WANT to go. It is probably one of the biggest things I am ashamed of. Granted, not ALL of the 50+ times I've been hospitalized were my choice....maybe about a third were. BUT, WHO in their right mind WANTS to go to a psych unit, and WHY?? What the heck is prompting me to feel this way? I want to NOT want to do this. But I am clueless how to stop it! God, what is WRONG with me?
I just want to live a GENUINE life before the Lord. I am tired of the lies.
Jesus,
Help me to live a life that is pleasing to You. I'm having a tough time right now, and You know exactly what I need right now. Please give me daily strength and wisdom, and the mind of Christ.
We talked about the eating issues a bit, and it was a pretty difficult and emotional session. She is having me read Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole. According to the book, there is a natural way to eat when you listen to your body, so that you can eat whatever (shockingly) that you want...you just have to really listen to your body, to know when you are satisfied, what food you are actually craving and if you are REALLY craving it or just wanting it because you see it.....and so on.
I am having a really difficult time processing the the book, as these concepts are just so foreign to me, to my beliefs and attitudes about food and the way I was raised with food. "What? No, you can't REALLY eat whatever you want...There are foods that are off limits or "bad," etc." But as I think these things I realize they are ungodly beliefs...it's just that to let them go is extremely difficult, as I've been thinking this way my whole life.
At Mercy, the only thing that was really addressed about food/weight was stopping the purging, which I did. But my attitudes and beliefs about food and my body weren't really looked at to the degree that they should have been. I think this is because there were many other issues I had going on that took precidence. So I continued eating the same way while there, and consequently gained back much weight. And now, I am again struggling with purging.
It's a complicated area, because there are so many things behind the food/weight/body issue, so I can't pinpoint one tiny area. It's a very broad subject, and now I know why there are entire treatment programs devoted specifically to eating disorders.
There are alot of other things that are causing me guilt/shame/anger/hurt/etc. about my life, too...Probably too many to list even. Alot of these things didn't get addressed at Mercy, because I did so much messing around and not being serious, and then the last couple months I really buckled down (after being talked to about dismissal) and did alot of work...but not as much as needed to be done. Things were "okay" when I graduated, but I was still not where I wanted to be emotionally and spiritually. I was very raw and still vulnerable.
When I returned home, it was basically an "expectation" that I was "all better," and so I had to try hard to be that way. But I again fell into the trap of doing things in my own strength, and soon my testimony became a lie. Ministry became more difficult, and I fell into a deep depression and ended up being hospitalized---which seemed to start the whole past cycle all over again.
Years ago I began to use the hospital as an escape from life, and I even began to actually WANT to go. It is probably one of the biggest things I am ashamed of. Granted, not ALL of the 50+ times I've been hospitalized were my choice....maybe about a third were. BUT, WHO in their right mind WANTS to go to a psych unit, and WHY?? What the heck is prompting me to feel this way? I want to NOT want to do this. But I am clueless how to stop it! God, what is WRONG with me?
I just want to live a GENUINE life before the Lord. I am tired of the lies.
Jesus,
Help me to live a life that is pleasing to You. I'm having a tough time right now, and You know exactly what I need right now. Please give me daily strength and wisdom, and the mind of Christ.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
through seemingly impossible circumstances...
I feel hopeful, yet still somewhat hopeless.
I feel as though I am continuing to spiral downward, and it scares me. Yesterday I told my therapist of my current struggles, and we set some goals.
My most important goal is this: To move out on my own.
This is SO incredibly important to me. When I was at Mercy, my counselor told me I needed to be out of my parents' house, that it was an unhealthy environment for me, one of enabling and coddling. However when I graduated, I returned home and ended up staying there.
Now, almost 4 years after graduating, I am still living at home, and have fallen back into my old behavior patterns.
I SINCERELY BELIEVE that, had I moved out upon graduation, I would still be walking in freedom today, and I would probably have my bachelor's degree by now and be getting ready to start a career. Instead, my parents have told me that I "can't handle working too much or going back to school just yet," so I've been unable to be independent.
Before Mercy my psychiatrist placed me on permanent disability, stating that it was unlikely that I would ever be able to function independently or hold a job. This has been more of a hindrance than a help!
I do currently work, but I am limited to a certain number of hours per week and a certain amount of money earned per month--PLUS, I'm struggling to get out of the debt from my "pre-Mercy" life. I can't go back to school, as I have no money to fund classes!
I FEEL I AM IN A CATCH 22!!!
This is a huge reason I feel being at home is unhealthy for me, yet I am unable to get out!!
I really desire and am planning to return to school this fall, God willing and and with His provision! I am determined to finish the Associates' I started almost 10 years ago!
Lord Jesus,
Please help me to trust you in this uncertain situation I am in. I do not know what to do!! But You do! Help me to have faith and trust in Your divine plan for me, because I'm struggling with alot of doubt and frustration right now. Please give me discernment and help me to make wise and healthy choices, and to remember that You are my true source!
I feel as though I am continuing to spiral downward, and it scares me. Yesterday I told my therapist of my current struggles, and we set some goals.
My most important goal is this: To move out on my own.
This is SO incredibly important to me. When I was at Mercy, my counselor told me I needed to be out of my parents' house, that it was an unhealthy environment for me, one of enabling and coddling. However when I graduated, I returned home and ended up staying there.
Now, almost 4 years after graduating, I am still living at home, and have fallen back into my old behavior patterns.
I SINCERELY BELIEVE that, had I moved out upon graduation, I would still be walking in freedom today, and I would probably have my bachelor's degree by now and be getting ready to start a career. Instead, my parents have told me that I "can't handle working too much or going back to school just yet," so I've been unable to be independent.
Before Mercy my psychiatrist placed me on permanent disability, stating that it was unlikely that I would ever be able to function independently or hold a job. This has been more of a hindrance than a help!
I do currently work, but I am limited to a certain number of hours per week and a certain amount of money earned per month--PLUS, I'm struggling to get out of the debt from my "pre-Mercy" life. I can't go back to school, as I have no money to fund classes!
I FEEL I AM IN A CATCH 22!!!
This is a huge reason I feel being at home is unhealthy for me, yet I am unable to get out!!
I really desire and am planning to return to school this fall, God willing and and with His provision! I am determined to finish the Associates' I started almost 10 years ago!
Lord Jesus,
Please help me to trust you in this uncertain situation I am in. I do not know what to do!! But You do! Help me to have faith and trust in Your divine plan for me, because I'm struggling with alot of doubt and frustration right now. Please give me discernment and help me to make wise and healthy choices, and to remember that You are my true source!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
i wish...
I'm not perfect. I mess up alot. I've done things that not only am I NOT proud of, but I know better! I was set free from my past, but then I made a series of poor choices and now I'm walking in past behaviors again.
I know better.
So why am I still doing it? I ask myself the very same question. It has been an even bigger battle to become free the second time around. I'm not there yet...not even close. But I am trying very hard and continue to seek God for help.
I feel like I'm living a double life, because I tell everyone I'm doing great...walking in freedom, blah blah, etc, etc....It is simply not the truth. The truth makes me feel like a rotten person. The truth is that I'm struggling with many of the things I struggled with before Mercy.
It didn't happen all at once. It never does. It was a "slow fade," just like Casting Crowns' song.
I thought about re-applying to Mercy, but I don't think they'd take me a second time. I already graduated, shared my testimony, and so forth. It just wouldn't make any sense. I wish there was a short, intensive course (wouldn't that be nice?)....because I know I already have and use all the tools....but something isn't working right.
What I REALLY wish is that I'd gone into a transitional living situation after Mercy instead of returning home (more about that in my next blog).
I looked into some of the other programs too, but I haven't applied to any of them.
WHY?
Because I have so much SHAME about how bad things have become again, that I am too embarrassed to ask for help this time.
(this is a huge reason why this blog is anonymous. I have to tell someone, to let this out, but I am too embarrassed to even reveal who I am.)
Because part of me believes God won't forgive me...AGAIN. Even though I "know" that God will never stop loving me, and that He forgives us again and again, part of me still believes that he won't this time because I knew I was sinning and did it anyway.
Because I should know better!!
Heavenly Father,
I messed up...AGAIN. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven, but I ask your forgiveness anyway. I want to live a life that is pleasing to You, and I haven't done a very good job of that lately. Help me to think before I act, and to seek You first in all circumstances. The meaning of GRACE is receiving something we do not deserve. I do NOT deserve another chance at all.....but I would be very thankful for one anyway.
I know better.
So why am I still doing it? I ask myself the very same question. It has been an even bigger battle to become free the second time around. I'm not there yet...not even close. But I am trying very hard and continue to seek God for help.
I feel like I'm living a double life, because I tell everyone I'm doing great...walking in freedom, blah blah, etc, etc....It is simply not the truth. The truth makes me feel like a rotten person. The truth is that I'm struggling with many of the things I struggled with before Mercy.
It didn't happen all at once. It never does. It was a "slow fade," just like Casting Crowns' song.
I thought about re-applying to Mercy, but I don't think they'd take me a second time. I already graduated, shared my testimony, and so forth. It just wouldn't make any sense. I wish there was a short, intensive course (wouldn't that be nice?)....because I know I already have and use all the tools....but something isn't working right.
What I REALLY wish is that I'd gone into a transitional living situation after Mercy instead of returning home (more about that in my next blog).
I looked into some of the other programs too, but I haven't applied to any of them.
WHY?
Because I have so much SHAME about how bad things have become again, that I am too embarrassed to ask for help this time.
(this is a huge reason why this blog is anonymous. I have to tell someone, to let this out, but I am too embarrassed to even reveal who I am.)
Because part of me believes God won't forgive me...AGAIN. Even though I "know" that God will never stop loving me, and that He forgives us again and again, part of me still believes that he won't this time because I knew I was sinning and did it anyway.
Because I should know better!!
Heavenly Father,
I messed up...AGAIN. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven, but I ask your forgiveness anyway. I want to live a life that is pleasing to You, and I haven't done a very good job of that lately. Help me to think before I act, and to seek You first in all circumstances. The meaning of GRACE is receiving something we do not deserve. I do NOT deserve another chance at all.....but I would be very thankful for one anyway.
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