...but I've always thought this way...

I saw my therapist today. I wish I could see a Christian counselor though, because although she respects my beliefs, she addresses my issues separately from spirituality instead of as a whole as it should be.

We talked about the eating issues a bit, and it was a pretty difficult and emotional session. She is having me read Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole. According to the book, there is a natural way to eat when you listen to your body, so that you can eat whatever (shockingly) that you want...you just have to really listen to your body, to know when you are satisfied, what food you are actually craving and if you are REALLY craving it or just wanting it because you see it.....and so on.

I am having a really difficult time processing the the book, as these concepts are just so foreign to me, to my beliefs and attitudes about food and the way I was raised with food. "What? No, you can't REALLY eat whatever you want...There are foods that are off limits or "bad," etc." But as I think these things I realize they are ungodly beliefs...it's just that to let them go is extremely difficult, as I've been thinking this way my whole life.

At Mercy, the only thing that was really addressed about food/weight was stopping the purging, which I did. But my attitudes and beliefs about food and my body weren't really looked at to the degree that they should have been. I think this is because there were many other issues I had going on that took precidence. So I continued eating the same way while there, and consequently gained back much weight. And now, I am again struggling with purging.

It's a complicated area, because there are so many things behind the food/weight/body issue, so I can't pinpoint one tiny area. It's a very broad subject, and now I know why there are entire treatment programs devoted specifically to eating disorders.

There are alot of other things that are causing me guilt/shame/anger/hurt/etc. about my life, too...Probably too many to list even. Alot of these things didn't get addressed at Mercy, because I did so much messing around and not being serious, and then the last couple months I really buckled down (after being talked to about dismissal) and did alot of work...but not as much as needed to be done. Things were "okay" when I graduated, but I was still not where I wanted to be emotionally and spiritually. I was very raw and still vulnerable.

When I returned home, it was basically an "expectation" that I was "all better," and so I had to try hard to be that way. But I again fell into the trap of doing things in my own strength, and soon my testimony became a lie. Ministry became more difficult, and I fell into a deep depression and ended up being hospitalized---which seemed to start the whole past cycle all over again.

Years ago I began to use the hospital as an escape from life, and I even began to actually WANT to go. It is probably one of the biggest things I am ashamed of. Granted, not ALL of the 50+ times I've been hospitalized were my choice....maybe about a third were. BUT, WHO in their right mind WANTS to go to a psych unit, and WHY?? What the heck is prompting me to feel this way? I want to NOT want to do this. But I am clueless how to stop it! God, what is WRONG with me?

I just want to live a GENUINE life before the Lord. I am tired of the lies.

Jesus,
Help me to live a life that is pleasing to You. I'm having a tough time right now, and You know exactly what I need right now. Please give me daily strength and wisdom, and the mind of Christ.